It's been a rough few days for me. I'm still having a great deal of difficulty wrapping my mind around the weight loss since surgery, I ended up taking it out on the most important person in my life the other day. Demons from past relationships have been rearing their ugly head as well, which makes me feel so helpless. I think sometimes that I have it so together, and I just fell apart Saturday night. I felt broken, and completely lost.
A lot of people think that once they have the surgery and poof! everything is fixed. Well its crap! It's not fixed, every single day you have to work towards making yourself better. My mind felt like it was racing and I was all over the place, I felt like I had absolutely no clue what the hell I was doing. I was feeling like I had lost myself. For so many years I have been the fat girl and just accepted that but, now I don't remember what its like to be the fat girl anymore. I'm 98% sure I made my final purchase in a plus size clothing store over the weekend, and am like well what am I going to do now? Where am I going to buy clothes? What is going on ????
Back to the demons from the past coming up. A small misunderstanding turned into a huge ordeal, and I just lost it. My entire relationship was almost over in the blink of an eye because I had no clue how to deal. I haven't been in a normal relationship in almost 10 years, and I almost threw away the amazing relationship I have because I wasn't sure what to do. It's felt like this crazy push and pull deal. I pull him in and when I get freaked out that I'm going to mess things up I push him away. I can't do it anymore it's not fair to either one of us but especially to him.
Now that's all vented I feel much better. This journey following surgery has definitely been a crazy ride. I had no complications post op so something was bound to create a bump in the road for me. I have to learn to let the past go even more, and just focus on building this bright future with this amazing man I've been so fortunate to finally find.
#RISEANDGRIND
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